Confessions

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Such an emo post. Don’t read if you don’t wanna too.

I learn alot from people around me, from the smallest tiniest thing to the biggest gigantic problems. But to my own shock, i rarely take it as an lesson learnt for myself. I’m a horrible person. I know that. I realize that. Still, i have no attempt to change it to be the new me. I started it in small scaled. Go back to appreciate Lord more than i usually do but i still feels that i lacked of something, which i can’t define what.

Is it because that i was way over the limit that i should be? Liyana told me, whatever happen to you, either it is bad or good, its been destined to happen to you even though you have the chance to choose the good way instead of the bad ones. Its called qada’ and qadar.

Therefore, is it my destiny to be the doormat? Is it my destiny to be the second girl in another guy’s life? Is it my destiny that i will have the tendency to do all the bad things? I thought choices determined your journey and pathway, later create your destiny.

Kinda scary to know each day that you are prone to do mistakes that you might or might not regret at the end of your life. People know just a surface about me. No one has really see and know me. Might just because i don’t want people to see the real me. As most of the time, i am transparent. You see me through but there are some parts insides me that opaque enough for you to really see. Great enough to know i create it by myself, unintentionally.

I always feel good when i get to help people. Either in good way or bad because i barely say no to anything that i think i can do. I will help people to that extend. Sometimes it really killing me when i don’t get anything in return of what i have done. I usually don’t take thank you as one of the rewards tho. To me thank you is just to small for whatever fuck up shit i had helped each and any of you. Call me cocky or self-centered but that’s who i am. I will never satisfied if i don’t really help people with their problem till the end.

My fucking problem is when the people i helped are the one actually destroy me, unintentionally. The one that i see don’t actually care about whatever God will punish them during the judgment day. I realize day by day, my principle towards some stuff rather changing due to different views that i got in front of my eyes. I wanna ask why to the people who did it but i think its rather personal to ask.

I know that i am such a focus person. I will defo give you 110% or more if you give me what you want from me. The main reason why i never had a problem with my studies so far until today. God still loves me that much to not take away one of the greatest feature He created in me. Being dominant as well help me survives my life today. Seriously.

I am a sinner for falling to sweet talker guy. Seriously. I can just fall down on my knees if you really know how to go sweet on me.

My latest heart breaking problem, guys that go sweet talk on me are the one that already have steady girlfriend. WTF! I used to hate that type of guy but really, i don’t know what’s got into me. Is it because i’ve been single too long or i’m just desperate enough? All i know, i don’t want to be in the relationship right now. I don’t wanna being tied to uncertainty. I had enough with Zarul on that. I don’t wanna go back to that life. That life gave all of you this Rahilah. Being too dare and bald on things that she knows gonna ruin her life but she just don’t give a fucking care because she learn that you will regret if you don’t take the chance. But what she didn’t realize until now is not all chances are good for you. YOU MUST CHOOSE THE CHANCES THAT BE GIVEN TO YOU. and yet, she never applies that AT ALL.

After all, i am too far from good now. What i wanna do is to find the missing pieces in me that i can root on so that i won’t destroy myself more than i already do.

The question now: What is the missing pieces? Where should i look for it in my almost nothing left human body?

that my friend, the thing that i try to search until today.

without wax,

yours truly in confused and unfocused state.

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