the reborn (i hope)

Again, it’s been awhile since i write anything here. I miss writing, very much. Like one of my babes, Azureen wrote in her blog post. Missing the reader who actually reads my blog, missing the people opinion that i’ve got from each thoughtful post i wrote (at least i think it’s thoughtful). HAHA.

I realized i stop writing when i’m in a relationship. Every time i want to write something, it will become very personal. It comes to some extend that i don’t want people to know me very well or be apart of my personal life because to me, i need to trust that someone in order for me to reveal my personal part. I guess everyone are like that too.

I finally completed my tertiary education after 5 long and wonderful years. I realized that right now, i’m in my withdrawal syndrome. Leaving Miri is hard. I thought i won’t be thinking about Miri when i finished my studies. I was wrong. I do miss Miri, BADLY. Miri thought me to be a person, literary. Miri is a place that i wanna be again, if i can, in this 5 years time. My love is in Miri. But i think Abah was right. I love Miri because of the sense of independence that i’ve got there. Back in Shah Alam, i’m like a bird in a cage, literary. In Miri, i only have myself to think of, to take care of. I have to say, i forgot how to live as a family.

For now, i’m at home, job hunting. I hope i can get the best out of everything. It is the payback time now. I’m hoping and praying for the best.

 

Till next post people.

Lots of love,

Rahilah Abdul Halim πŸ™‚

the roller coaster emotion

Good Day People, whoever still reading my dead blog.

I’m half way of my final semester now. What i can say, everything is just interesting and fits all the missing pieces perfectly.

Skipped classes alot, its not like i want to but i don’t feel the necessary of doing so.

Been thinking about what happen after i get through this semester, work or Master. I would love to work but Master sounds good too. Still, i haven’t figure out on what to do, either continue on technical stuff or something that related to what i like. To name a few, Economics, Science Politics, International Relation, Law, or maybe Archeology. I love history and anything to do with people and world.

And true, that i’m in love, with someone who i don’t even now how he feels about me. Been trying so hard to dig that info out of him but i guess i can’t never get the answer. Till date, he’s the perfect guy that i can never ask for more. What’s more weird is i still stick like a glue to him. I thought i lost the character of being loyal to a boy after Zarul but i guess, i’m still around because i haven’t get the closure i want. And i just hate that. But above all that, being with him makes me feel more connected to myself, as in i wanted to try to do more things that i thought i don’t have time to do or i’m afraid to do. He gives me the confident i need. Just that i wish that i can be the only girl that he talks too but for sure, that will be hard enough for him because he doesn’t has feeling for me.

FYP is killing my ass but the best part, it got me hooked to Control, the unit that i hate so much, after Thermodynamics. I just hope i will do my best for all my units this semester, just to push my CWA.

Life has been interesting on me, really interesting. I wish it keeps on being like this. I feel good πŸ™‚

Will update again, just don’t know when

Rahilah

sometimes

Current Mood: twisted and turn

Current Song: Knock You Down by Keri Hilson feat. Kanye West & Ne-Yo

Sometimes love comes around
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down

I seriously don’t know what to feel now days.

I forgot how is it feels like having someone else there for you, through your whole day, besides family & closed friends.

I forgot how to appreciate and to understand the fact that i have someone else with me to share my part of life.

I forgot how to return a really good kindness and care that someone else give to me.

I simply forgot how to behave like a really thankful person who got her prince charming even though it is gonna be just for a while.

YES, I Forgot! and i’m sad for that…

I really wish i can say things differently.

I really wish that i’m not that complex.

I cried alot lately. Its like the old times.

I guess i have relationship problem.

Life

Zura wrote a beautiful note to me…

it sounds like this….

‘Hill,

Wish you every happiness. Life is EASY, you make CHOICES and don’t turn back’

i never really get her words on that day….until i read it again yesterday. I posted it on my room’s wall. I read it thrice…then it really hits me…

Life is EASY. CHOICES are what makes your life.

Choose to be good or bad.
Choose to be better or worst.
Choose to be silent or loud.
Choose to be calm or hyper.
Choose to be sad or happy.

If we love alot of choices when we go shopping, in life, we don’t really want alot of choices sometimes.

If you choose a wrong dress or shirt, you can just change it or give it to someone else.

If you choose a wrong choice in life, you can’t just pass it or make it right, isn’t it?

I do think sometimes i make a wrong decision because i just want to know how wrong can the wrong decision be. I know its sound stupid or illogical but my curiousity beats everything else. True, most of the wrong decision is wrong. Never do things that people say is wrong. Its not worth it.

Kak jam will always say this to me, ‘Hill, choose a path that Allah likes the most, not you like the most’. The solution to all the choices that i have to make. Simple one.

BUT

till today, i don’t live by that rule most of the time. There’s the time i do what i think is right to me rather than what i think is right in God’s point of view.

Such a bad servant i am.

20th

I’m just the company for him to get over his boredness…

well…

i have the feeling i might end up being his companion only, nothing more.

another chapter in someone’s life is my whole book of feelings

Gloomy day, gloomy heart, gloomy post

Current Mood: Jiwa kacau tak pasal2

Current Song: Private Emotion by Ricky Martin and Meja

Gloomy days leads to gloomy heart.

One of my friend once told me that wheather can really affect someone’s heart or someone’s heart can affected the wheather. Either way, i’m badly effected.

i heard a story last 2 days. a gloomy story. i was sad because it badly affected this one person that closed to me. I wish i can help. I think the only reason i can’t was because conflict of interest. I want the gloomy story to happen but in the same time, i hope it won’t. I can’t think straight anymore.

I wanna stop liking people. It makes me crazy with all the depressing thoughts and paranoid. Liking people who doesn’t like you back is seriously stupid, i know but i can’t control my heart and desire no?

Me and my heart, we ALWAYS have issues.

I just need to get focus on my assignments and study for another 2 test. I will be fine if i’m busy. I need my holiday to clear my imaginary thoughts of everything.

For once, i really really really wanna stop liking people.

Bien Γ‘ vous

yours aye in the state of jiwa kacau

Whatever that is left in me

Current Mood: Content & calm…yet…

Current Song: Shadow of The Day by Linkin Park

Perfect song to explain my condition now.

I have nothing in specific to write but i just feel like blogging. So, here it goes.

Been so busy with schools and CFC. I have 3 major assignment (Risk Group Report, TP Assignment and PSD Project) to due and 3 major test (Risk Test 2, PSD Test and MTO Test 2) to sit before heading to the study week. Time fly so fast i can’t even recall any specific event that happen in between.

Truly sorry to my Geologian friends. I know i’ve been skipping alot of get together events with you guys. Honestly, i feel left out but yeah. There’s nothing i can do to change that, can’t i? Will try my best to make it up to you guys later on ok πŸ™‚

I wasn’t really devastated that Abang is no longer here with me but i know he’s not around. For the past 4 years, i feel prefectly good in doing anything because i know i have a person to count on, to fall off if anything happen. I feel like i’m loosing half of myself now. The same feeling i had when i came to Miri, back in 2006. I left my dearie good brother for Curtin. Its sucks like hell when you just being cut off from your siblings, despite having all means of communication. I still want my dearie brother and Abang to be with me, in flesh.

I realised i don’t talk much about football this sem. I’m tired of it honestly. Dog tired. The same feeling i had when i was in my third semester in CIS committee. Its a sign to move on, for sure. It just that i can’t seems to leave my work to anyone else currently. No one wanna handle money for sure. I’m still in the search of Β The One to replace me next sem. I supposed to leave the post this semester but the current president want me and Abby to be in the committee. Talk about peope trust in me. I’m scared of that. Scared of the trust. That’s why i try so hard to complete my work every week. I’m at where i am today because of people trust in me. But, for certain, CIS and CFC gives me much joy and happiness. The happiness of seeing people coming together for the event, appreciation from other people. It means so much to me.

Personal life is at stake currently. I keep on liking a guy that belong to someone else. I seriously don’t indulge that for sure. Been labelling myself as a bitch. I want to cut all the communication and move on but, this time around, i have a really sensitive person as a crush. Its just hard but i don’t want to hurt his feeling, not even a single scratch. He’s been treating me well, much much better than all the previous crushes i have before. Not that i wanna compare or anything, but he does care about how i feel, different from all the other crushes of mine. For once, i really want him as my bf. But given the thought of how bad i am as a person, i guess he’s way better with his current gf. I don’t really deserve any good guy at all.

For sure, i can’t wait for 28th June. Will be going back to KL on that date. And apology to Mas because won’t be able to attend your wedding babe. Huhu. Need to find placement for my intern for end of this year. Hopefully i’ll be able to do it in Shah Alam. I consider Miri as my last resort though. Gonna enjoy the holiday to the fullest this time because Sulu is going to Australia early July. Finally, one of my genius closed friend completing his degree overseas. I’m gonna miss him soon.

My brother will be leaving to UK soon, insyaAllah if everything goes as plan. I’m so proud of him. He got what he wishes for all this while. So jealous of him. His determination pay off. I don’t really have that drive in me anymore. The only thought that makes me moving forward now is completing my degree and start work. That’s all. I’ve decided not to go to Perth for my final year. As much as i really wanna go, i guess my destiny is here, in Miri.

That’s all for now i guess.

Bien Γ‘ vous

yours aye in the state of confusion

thoughts to ponder

i saw this one person, description = uncle, yang sangat tua, dah bongkok but still working as guard.

Simple question, is he still working because he has to or because he loves to?

I don’t know why but when i see him, i try to relate him with my dad. Abah has another 6-7 years to work after me and my brother graduate from degree.

Abah selalu cakap mcm ni, ‘another 6 years, i’m gonna collect money for me and my wife since you guys gonna have job on your own. Been spending too much on you guys already. Its time for me and ibu to enjoy our life’.

I told him like this, ‘la…by the time i start to work, you should start to think about retirement’.

Abah : Rahilah, i’m not stupid to think that one day, maybe you actually don’t remember that you have to pay me the amount of money that you and your brother used throughout your whole life. I don’t wanna be like people who waiting for their sons and daughter to repay them and make a shout-out in the TV saying that you guys tak reti nak balas jasa. We as parents try to nurture you with everything good and healthy. But, if you can’t make it work, it will no longer be our fault. Its you who not trying hard enough to understand the concept.

I’m speechless

You Are My Sunshine

Hey all! What’s up. Suppose to blog about my last two outing with the friends but dorang tak upload gambar lagi. As soon as the pics up, i’ll let you know the stories ya πŸ˜‰

Again, title can be deceiving…hehe

I happen to be one of those people that give extra care when it comes to friendship. I think most of my closed friend do realise that. Aku sangat susah hati bile org yg aku sayang sedih, resah, gelisah, tak senang hidup. Memang aku susah hati sangat. Because i believe everyone deserve to have a happy day, a smile in their face even for a while pun. I’m a firm believer in moment of life. There are moments in your life that you really like to live in it again, regardless its good or bad. I have few moments that i would seriously like to make it happen again.

I’m out of topic. Haha. Bear with me aite people? πŸ™‚

I like to depict myself as a sunshine. To everyone (exceptional on Jengga la, aku rase aku nightmare die kot. Although i never really say this to him, he’s one hell of a friend, a good way tho. Kadar toleransi die terhadap aku amat la tinggi. For that, i love you, dearie friend πŸ™‚ Β ). As far as i can remember, i’ll try my best to help all my friends that are in need. Believe me, my extend of helping friend is far beyond your imagination. Ada yg memang betul2 seriously asked for a help, ada member yg amik kesempatan atas kebaikan aku, which in one way, i consider it as my weekness jugak. I just can’t help it. I like to help. Whether just being by their side listening to their rambling about the problem, or just being the shoulder to cry on or by just sit in silent next to them, i do really hope by that, i can help them to let go of their problem, even just for a while.

I like to smile. I do smile alot as far as i can remember. The only time i didn’t smile is when you meet my other half, the Moon version of Rahilah, which indicates either i was on fight with someone, or i was angry with my piles of workload, or when things doesn’t go my way. That’s when you see the other side of me that i rather not show it to others because i always keep in mind that people are not here to listen to my stupidity or carelessness. But then, saya pun seorang manusia seperti anda semua. I have my times as well. Hehe. Thank you to the people who always be there when i had my stupidity moments. You know who you are πŸ™‚

But all these really got me thinking, people view me as caring or busybody? I wish the answer to be caring. But i know there are certain people who says that i’m a busybody person. You can tell by the look on their face when you ask a personal question, either they consider you as busybody or caring. I developed this by experience. You need to be the right person at the right time and the right place to be consider as caring. If not, memang orang cop ko busybody and kaki gossip. I’ve been called that before. Sedih tu sedih jugak la bila people didn’t get your intention kan but, its free world anyway. They speak whatever they wanna speak.

I learnt to accept people comes in many forms. Its kinda interesting when you can really tell your friend do have problems and you guess the problem right. Memang syok. Times to times, i do tell myself that i’m taking a wrong course. I should be psychologist or counsellor. Haha. But, i won’t trade it for the things i learn currently. Engineering is such an awesome things. Its about entering the other part of human’s world. I can’t imagine the world without engineering.

Yet another rambling. Huhu. Do apologise me people πŸ™‚

I’m not really good at making conclusion. I hate conclusion. Conclusion means end. I don’t like things to end. Why must it ends?

In conclusion, i like to picture myself as everyone sunshine. I’m truly sorry if you hate it. It just me and i’m being myself πŸ˜€

bein Γ  vous

your aye in preparing herself to leave the most awesome place on earth, her casa